About Me

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I am 19 years old now. It seems like time is going fast, and I am not always sure how to handle it! I started college August 2014. I am studying psychology at North Central University, meeting new people, and drawing closer to God with each step I take. Life is not a destination, it is a long journey. I am excited to see what God has in store for my life, and I hope you will join me as I find out!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014


I am here. I promise. I am alive and well. I am struggling internally. I am fine on the outside, but it is the inside that matters. I am losing words. That's probably why I haven't written. I think it may also be that I am unsure of what I want others to know. I am a very private person. I would also be considered an introvert. I always thought of myself as an extrovert. But, that's okay. I have a few close friends. They know exactly what is going on. Then of course, my mom and my therapist as well as my mentor here on campus. To me, that's enough. I will say this: I covet your prayers. God hears every one of them, and I sure know I need them right now. You may not know what you are praying for. That's okay. God knows.

Toodles for now!

Friday, October 24, 2014


I am back at college. Settling in. Funny thing is that I have been back for almost a week now. It doesn't feel right. Well it does, it just isn't the same as being home. Funny thing s that at home I kept thinking about things I needed to do one I got back to college. I found a church I think. They have a shuttle, so I can go on a Sunday morning even though I don't have a car. It's what would be considered a mega church. I think there was well over 2,000 people in the Sanctuary. The service was powerful, and they have a heart for missions. As my mom said, "I feel like this is your kind of church." I think she's right.
I am being reminded almost constantly to find my calling. Honestly when I think about societies expectations, I feel like my calling is unorthodox. I want to be a foster parent. Full time, to as many children as I can successfully minister to. I want to change there lives, even if only for a moment. Part of me still questions why I am even at school, but I am reminded that this is where God wants me. I don't have to understand, or even see the big picture. I know only what the yearning of my heart is telling me. We were talking in class today about not needing all of the answers. God will show you the way and sometimes He only gives you a moment of clarity, or a piece of the puzzle. That's okay though. Just put your trust in Him and let him guide you.
I got another A on a paper. 49 out of 50 points. The only thing I got docked for was grammar. I am not completely aware of commas or where and when I am supposed to use them. As a result I have been putting too many in. I asked for a suggestion and she told me, "When in doubt leave it out." Until I get to Rhetoric and Research next semester, that will work. The other thing I realized is that all my grades are getting better. Except math. I am currently failing math. When I talked to my adviser yesterday, he let me know that they had changed the requirements of statistics. I no longer have to take Algebra before Statistics. I am dropping the class. We both think that is the better option, because it won't affect my GPA at this point. If I were to continue with the class, it would be better to retake it so I could improve my GPA. As it is it won't affect my Financial Aid, and I still have time to officially withdraw. This is a huge relief! For now, I think that's it.


Thursday, October 16, 2014

Happy Hearts

My heart is happy today! I am pretty sure if I asked any of my family, they would say the same thing too. I have spent the day just enjoying their presence. I slept late, I played with kids, I held a sleeping baby. I smiled and laughed. I am really enjoying these moments that I have at home. Busy Bee was excitable the entire day. Showing me everything, inviting me to play, and best of all, asking for huggles. Doc had school to do, and I had the opportunity to work on spelling. She has a test tomorrow, and we made sure that she had spelled the words all correctly before we quit. Reminders that no matter how well she does, she is still smart. Lots and Lots of questions about college. Do you play games? Are you doing good? Through my experience, I am able to remind her that even if she doesn't do well, she is still smart. Using her own logic to remind her. She thinks I am super smart. I know she looks up to me. When she said she wasn't smart because of not doing well in spelling and math, I reminded her that I didn't get any words right in the spelling bee, or that I failed my first math test. She thinks I am still smart after that, so what makes her any different. Speaking positivity into her brain. Becoming Aunt Miracle. Hearing them call mom Grandma. Or sitting in the dark with little bit finally asleep and feeling her breathing against my chest. Little things that made my day great every moment. I will cherish these moments for a while. Lastly, we are listening to Spanish songs as we are trying to calm Busy Bee down for bed! These include El Pollito Pio, and Un ElefanteMade me smile!



I am so relieved and excited to be home. I started the day with classes as normal, and around 5 pm I was greeted with a phone call that said "we're here!" I ran from my room to the security entrance in the main hall. Greeted with big smiles and "mikle!!!!" while practically throwing herself in my arms. (The 3 year old) Then of course, the overwhelming smiles and relief on my sisters face when I released myself from the 3 year old and hugged her. Angelica was so amazing and drove the entire ride home with us barely getting back by 1 am. Enough said... I am glad to be home! End of story. I'm tired, so that's gonna be about all for tonight.


Wednesday, October 15, 2014


I know, I know. It is late. I am going to bed soon. I just wanted to reflect on today a little bit.
I had an emotionally draining day. It started off with good news, I got an A on a paper and 100% on the in class memorization due today, but as the day went on, things started piling up. I can pinpoint every moment that caused any negative emotion to pop up. Not that these moments were necessarily bad, it just caused negative emotions that in the end added up to be a little much. But throughout the day I have been reminded to be thankful for Now, thankful for what I have. I am so thankful for this community of people I have around me. Knowing that all I have to do is walk down the hall, and I can almost always find someone to talk to. Knowing that even if no one is here, I can text or call off-campus people. Reminders that through it all, God is with me. Also the reminder that I can be very vague and I will automatically have prayers that are lifted up. I am so thankful to be able to call North Central my home. I am also thankful for the opportunities to minister into others lives, just as they are ministering into mine. I am surrounded by love and friends. I am also thankful that I will be headed home tomorrow. I will see my sister, and my mom. I will receive hugs and loving from the moment I walk into the door, until right before they leave the campus. Those are my thoughts for now.


Sunday, October 12, 2014


I can't focus for the life of me. I know I should be doing things, getting things accomplished, being productive. I know that if I were to make a list, I would be able to recognize that I worked today. I got up, I did my job that I was hired to do. I had an interview for another job babysitting, and I did some homework. Why then, do I feel completely unproductive? Why do I feel as though I have wasted an entire day? I guess because in life, there is always something that needs doing. I have learned that much. In college, they give you a list of expectations. Only, this list covers the next 15 weeks. I have my list of expectations, but I have yet to find the balance between letting some things wait and then doing it all the night before because I let it wait too long. Then when I come to moments like this, I am so tired. I could probably go to sleep right now. I would probably sleep the night away. Then I realize that I at least have to get tomorrows expectations taken care of. I have 3 more days until I go home. The days are crawling by. Why do they always do that? Lately it has seemed as though I can't keep up. Now when I am ready for them to pass quickly, they are going at a snails pace instead. I can't sort through everything in my brain. I can't even figure out what I should be doing. I am not processing anything as it happens, I just tend to try to keep up, and later I will figure everything out. Kind of a "nod, smile, and pretend like you have a clue." Which, to be honest is really hard. I am definitely learning the value of lists. And schedules. I make one at the beginning of every week. It really helps to know what I am supposed to be doing at what time. We only have 3 more weeks in a few of my classes. I will be glad when they are finished. These are my 1 and 2 credit courses. But, not all of them. I have another 2 credit course that will go the entire semester, but it only meets twice a week. Make sense, right? I think it is about as clear a mud on my end. I think I am going to go make a plan for the week, and then go to bed.


Thursday, October 9, 2014

My Delimmas'

I honestly don't know what else to call my posts... I am running out of options! I think my blog is pretty boring anyway, I don't know that anyone reads it. It doesn't really matter. Mostly I am blogging again to get my feelings out, and to make sense of the jumbled mess that always seems to be my brain. It seems that when I can't make sense of everything, I get more stressed, so I write. I have for a while now, it just hasn't always been public. I get overwhelmed or anxious a lot right now. I guess I just have to focus on the next step, rather than the next ten steps. That doesn't always work though. Because either something will come up, and it will blindside me, or somebody will ask me to think ahead to something with my best intentions in mind. Something that I have been trying not to think about, but if I don't think about it now I will be blindsided later. So, then I have to decide if it would be better to be blindsided, or to face the anxiety that thinking about it causes.
I honestly don't know. Which means I will probably stick my original plan of avoiding it until I know it's going to happen. It works. Because then if it isn't a problem, I didn't need to think about it before hand. I guess that's what I will do. I know.... I am being very vague and general. I think that's okay sometimes. I am realizing that everybody doesn't have to know everything. Just know that I am alive, and I am okay. At he very least I have written about it, and sorted through my problems a little.

Today I participated in a spelling bee. MOST embarrassing moment of my life. I didn't know what half of the words meant, and I didn't know how to spell any of them! Well, except the one that I buzzed in too late. I have a paper due tomorrow. Honestly, it's depressing. I am writing on sex trafficking in the United States. The statistics are overwhelming, and really saddening. I think it is destroying my faith in humanity. I have all the research done, I just have to put it into a cohesive form. The only other thing I have due that is semi big is the memorization for Tuesday. Then I go home Wednesday evening! I am so excited to see my family! I miss them so much. I think it will be hard coming back though. I guess that's about it.


Monday, October 6, 2014

The Fog

I feel as though I am walking around in a fog. Just a haze that covers my life. I honestly don't know how much of this is physical/emotional. I keep reminding myself to stay in the moment, to focus. I don't know what else to do. I just have to survive. I found out my official grade in one of my classes today... it is an A+! Pretty good. Now, that might be the only one I am doing that well in, but it makes a difference. I think it was a huge relief. It is one of the classes that I can't really check my grade online, so I just had to do my best, and hope it was good enough. Obviously, it was. Now, my other classes might be a different story! They might not be as bad, but they are definitely not as good as an A+. That's okay though, as long as I can keep my GPA up, I am good.
I overslept this morning. Like, by an entire hour and a half. I set my alarm time last night, but I forgot to actually turn my alarm ON. Things like that help right? Anyway, I woke up to the sound of my roommates alarm, wondered what day it was, and then realized I didn't have time to get to my first class. SO, I go to my second class. And, I do my best for it not to happen again. I have a research paper due in that class on Friday. I am writing about human trafficking in the United States today, and how much it has grown over the years. Pretty heavy stuff. The only problem is I can't seem to figure out how to put all of the information that I have gathered from my research into a cohesive paper. I have got to figure that out.
I have a test tomorrow. Old Testament History and Literature. I have been studying. Not sure if it's going to help though. It feels like the information is bouncing up against a brick wall. In one side of my brain, and out the other. I mean seriously, how am I supposed to remember all of this? I know some things, like TaNaK is an acronym for Torah, Nevi'im, and Ketuvim. I know that one of those is the Law, but I don't remember which. I know that the other two are other classifications of the old testament. I know that the canon is considered to be the books that are looked upon as scripture, and I know that there are 66 books in the Canon (aka, the Bible). I think, there are 37 books in the old testament, and 29 in the new, but I am not entirely sure. That's about it.... Wait! I also know that there are 7-14 parts that some consider scripture but are not included in the bible. Now, that is all I know. I guess I will see how I do. Study a little more tonight, and then go to bed because I know that staying up won't help anything.
I have been trying to cut out caffeine. I think it makes me more anxious. I have gotten up to two days, and my goal is three now. I think I might be able to make it even longer than that though, we will just have to see. I guess that's it.


Saturday, October 4, 2014

This Is Now!

Well. I didn't mean to take a break from writing! I haven't been as consistent as I would like... maybe that's an understatement! I have never been very consistent at blogging. But I am realizing that's okay. I think, it boils down to the fact that I want to be real, and not stage my entire life for the internet. I am realizing that a lot of people tend to stage their life around what they think others want to see, or how many 'likes' they will get on FaceBook. So, when life gets busy, when I am anything but calm, when I feel as though my reactions/emotions are out of place, I stop being public. I talk to some people. I post the moments that are good, but I don't let on when something is wrong. So, as a result, I stop blogging. That might be too much information. I am going to tell myself I don't care. Because it is when I tell myself that being real is a big deal, or "different", that I stop communicating.

I started college in August. I am taking 14 credits this semester, and I am currently majoring in Psychology. Don't ask me exactly what I am going to do with that. It boils down to where God leads me. Honestly, the transition was a lot harder than I expected. I struggled. I went backwards emotionally. At least, that's what it felt like at the time. But, I realized the amazing people I have around me, and how amazing my time at this school is going to be. I am honestly still struggling. I failed two tests, I have panic attacks, or nights that I am so anxious I can't function enough to do homework or even fall asleep. There are good parts though. I am making a whole slew of friends. I am connecting with different people in different ways. I am learning and growing in the Lord. A big part of this school is required chapel. Monday through Friday, right in the middle of the day. No classes are scheduled during this time. You only have a certain amount of allowed skips per semester. People grumble about this but I love it. I had a total of 15 skips as a freshman this year. I have only used 2. I love my RA (in-hall Resident Adviser), and DL's (again, in-hall Discipleship Leaders) . They are such leaders, and I know I can talk to them about anything. I have also enjoyed getting the chance to know my RD (Resident Director, in charge of the entire dorm building). We have a brother floor. We are encouraged to have healthy guy-girl relationships that don't involve dating. I LOVE it! I have never been very comfortable around guys, and this is a chance to change that. Now, I will admit that the first time that we had open dorms, I had in my room. But by now I am more comfortable talking to them, and therefore other guys on campus.This is good! I am going home in two weeks. We have fall break coming up, and it will be the first time in over a month that I have seen my family. We have consistently used FaceTime for the iPod, but it is just not the same. I miss them. I miss my home. I miss the little girls that live below us, and I wish I had gotten more time to get to know the new baby their mama just had. She was born less than a week before I left. I have a job on campus. It is actually really good. Only 12 1/2 hours a week, but it is enough. I can pay my tuition installments that were left after scholarships and loans. I can buy a little food. I am not broke, I just have to be careful. I am realizing that sometimes I have more self-control regarding my finances than I thought. I am learning, I am growing, life is good.

I guess that should be all for now. Upcoming, I have a test on Tuesday, a test on Thursday, and a 5 page research paper on Friday. I should have probably worked on those before blogging, but it has felt good to write again.


Monday, May 26, 2014

The sayings of me (and The Boys)

I got a job as a nanny this summer. Four wonderful, handsome, and adorably cute boys. The age range is 6 months, 3 years, 6 years, and 12 years... A BIG handful. It is a wonderful job though, and I have already learned to love these boys. Though at times I hear things being said, sometimes cute, funny, sweet, or just bizarre coming out of both my mouth and the boys...

(3 yrs) It's not sleeping time! The sky is up!

(Me to 12) Stop licking the window!

(Me to 3) Don't eat the pool!

(3 yrs) This is how the bubbles go!

(3 yrs, 6 yrs, random moments) I Love You!

(Me to 3, 6, 12) Do NOT throw the balls in the trash can!!!

(12 yrs) I didn't do it, the baby did!!!

(Me to 6, 12) don't throw the socks in the fan!?!?!!