Empty- I have felt sadness for so long that it is my norm right now. When I don't know what to feel, I am usually sad, or numb. Numb is the worst. Those days that I know I should be feeling something, but I can't feel anything. I am not happy or sad, angry or scared. I simply exist. I am present, and most people don't even know that there is anything wrong, because I have learned to act. I know what to say when, and I know how to fake my emotions. I've actually gotten pretty good at it.
Fear- There is a lot going on in our world, and I can only mention part of it. My sister is sick, and this is scary. I cannot fix this one, and I don't know how to respond. Sometimes I am angry, but I know that it all stems from my fear. Fear that she will suffer. Fear of being without her, my rock, my best friend. Fear that comes of knowing that I have no control over what happens to her. Fear that comes of not knowing.
Peace- I know that God is my fortress through all of this. Even when I don't feel like I can handle it. He wraps me in his arms and envelops me with his unending love. I know that he is there, and i know that I can turn to him. He will do what is best, even if it doesn't seem best to me. He knows what I can handle.
Resolve- I will use whatever time we have. I will enjoy her presence, no matter what happens. I will spend time with her, and tell her that I love her. I will have no regrets.
- I am 19 years old now. It seems like time is going fast, and I am not always sure how to handle it! I started college August 2014. I am studying psychology at North Central University, meeting new people, and drawing closer to God with each step I take. Life is not a destination, it is a long journey. I am excited to see what God has in store for my life, and I hope you will join me as I find out!
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Sometimes, the most simple moment is also the most profound.
Maybe its looking up and seeing two miracles walking across the grass.
It can bring a love and sadness and joy so strong it will bring you to your knees. In public. Surrounded by so many others. Others that see your face and know so many of your thoughts. And will get down on their knees with you and bless God, or fate or whatever power they believe in.
A look to the left. A quick glance. A child that survived cancer. A child that was left in the darkness of the night, just before dawn.
They shouldn't be here.
We should be broken by loss. Or aching with empty arms for a child that never was.
Their arms are here. Wrapped around us.
Their hearts are ours - for loving and safe keeping.
Their laughter and tears are a part of our days and nights.
What they add to our lives is not measurable.
And mostly, we forget, in the everyday sameness of life, just what an astounding blessing this day brings.
Until we look up. And catch a glimpse out of the corner of our eyes.
Of two miracles. Walking through the grass.
You know, this was written by a friend several years ago. The commentary was great, and now it is exactly what I feel.
I took the picture, August 1st, 2008, the day before my brain injury. The injury that has now been completely healed by God, even when the doctors said I would never get better.
I am thankful that my sister is alive and with us. God protects and heals. I have seen that in my life. I can only pray that she will get better.