Dancing on Graves

I came across a blog today. I read it. I closed the page, and later I went back to find it. I kept drawing back to this post. She titled it "He wrote it down." I related on so many levels. I posted on face book, and later my mom commented. She reminded me that she will always be here, no matter what I decide. I am still trying to figure out what me dancing on this grave will look like. I think, it just becomes a metaphor for whatever helps me to heal. I cannot literally dance on his grave, he is still very much alive. I could file a police report, but it would be a longer process than theirs was. I am only 19 I could still prosecute until at least age 23. I am not sure what good that would do. What's done is done. I am trying to move forward. I just don't know exactly what that looks like right now. I will continue to pray, and I ask that you do the same. I know that God will provide healing and comfort in his own time, I just need the strength to get through today.

I will leave you with one of my favorite songs. Broken Girl by Matthew West. An amazing reminder that in God's eyes I am perfect, whole, and pure.

Toodles!

Here

I am here. I promise. I am alive and well. I am struggling internally. I am fine on the outside, but it is the inside that matters. I am losing words. That's probably why I haven't written. I think it may also be that I am unsure of what I want others to know. I am a very private person. I would also be considered an introvert. I always thought of myself as an extrovert. But, that's okay. I have a few close friends. They know exactly what is going on. Then of course, my mom and my therapist as well as my mentor here on campus. To me, that's enough. I will say this: I covet your prayers. God hears every one of them, and I sure know I need them right now. You may not know what you are praying for. That's okay. God knows.

Toodles for now!

Routine

I am back at college. Settling in. Funny thing is that I have been back for almost a week now. It doesn't feel right. Well it does, it just isn't the same as being home. Funny thing s that at home I kept thinking about things I needed to do one I got back to college. I found a church I think. They have a shuttle, so I can go on a Sunday morning even though I don't have a car. It's what would be considered a mega church. I think there was well over 2,000 people in the Sanctuary. The service was powerful, and they have a heart for missions. As my mom said, "I feel like this is your kind of church." I think she's right.
I am being reminded almost constantly to find my calling. Honestly when I think about societies expectations, I feel like my calling is unorthodox. I want to be a foster parent. Full time, to as many children as I can successfully minister to. I want to change there lives, even if only for a moment. Part of me still questions why I am even at school, but I am reminded that this is where God wants me. I don't have to understand, or even see the big picture. I know only what the yearning of my heart is telling me. We were talking in class today about not needing all of the answers. God will show you the way and sometimes He only gives you a moment of clarity, or a piece of the puzzle. That's okay though. Just put your trust in Him and let him guide you.
I got another A on a paper. 49 out of 50 points. The only thing I got docked for was grammar. I am not completely aware of commas or where and when I am supposed to use them. As a result I have been putting too many in. I asked for a suggestion and she told me, "When in doubt leave it out." Until I get to Rhetoric and Research next semester, that will work. The other thing I realized is that all my grades are getting better. Except math. I am currently failing math. When I talked to my adviser yesterday, he let me know that they had changed the requirements of statistics. I no longer have to take Algebra before Statistics. I am dropping the class. We both think that is the better option, because it won't affect my GPA at this point. If I were to continue with the class, it would be better to retake it so I could improve my GPA. As it is it won't affect my Financial Aid, and I still have time to officially withdraw. This is a huge relief! For now, I think that's it.

Toodles!

Happy Hearts

My heart is happy today! I am pretty sure if I asked any of my family, they would say the same thing too. I have spent the day just enjoying their presence. I slept late, I played with kids, I held a sleeping baby. I smiled and laughed. I am really enjoying these moments that I have at home. Busy Bee was excitable the entire day. Showing me everything, inviting me to play, and best of all, asking for huggles. Doc had school to do, and I had the opportunity to work on spelling. She has a test tomorrow, and we made sure that she had spelled the words all correctly before we quit. Reminders that no matter how well she does, she is still smart. Lots and Lots of questions about college. Do you play games? Are you doing good? Through my experience, I am able to remind her that even if she doesn't do well, she is still smart. Using her own logic to remind her. She thinks I am super smart. I know she looks up to me. When she said she wasn't smart because of not doing well in spelling and math, I reminded her that I didn't get any words right in the spelling bee, or that I failed my first math test. She thinks I am still smart after that, so what makes her any different. Speaking positivity into her brain. Becoming Aunt Miracle. Hearing them call mom Grandma. Or sitting in the dark with little bit finally asleep and feeling her breathing against my chest. Little things that made my day great every moment. I will cherish these moments for a while. Lastly, we are listening to Spanish songs as we are trying to calm Busy Bee down for bed! These include El Pollito Pio, and Un Elefante. Made me smile!

Toodles!

Home!!!

I am so relieved and excited to be home. I started the day with classes as normal, and around 5 pm I was greeted with a phone call that said "we're here!" I ran from my room to the security entrance in the main hall. Greeted with big smiles and "mikle!!!!" while practically throwing herself in my arms. (The 3 year old) Then of course, the overwhelming smiles and relief on my sisters face when I released myself from the 3 year old and hugged her. Angelica was so amazing and drove the entire ride home with us barely getting back by 1 am. Enough said... I am glad to be home! End of story. I'm tired, so that's gonna be about all for tonight.

Toodles!

Late

I know, I know. It is late. I am going to bed soon. I just wanted to reflect on today a little bit.
I had an emotionally draining day. It started off with good news, I got an A on a paper and 100% on the in class memorization due today, but as the day went on, things started piling up. I can pinpoint every moment that caused any negative emotion to pop up. Not that these moments were necessarily bad, it just caused negative emotions that in the end added up to be a little much. But throughout the day I have been reminded to be thankful for Now, thankful for what I have. I am so thankful for this community of people I have around me. Knowing that all I have to do is walk down the hall, and I can almost always find someone to talk to. Knowing that even if no one is here, I can text or call off-campus people. Reminders that through it all, God is with me. Also the reminder that I can be very vague and I will automatically have prayers that are lifted up. I am so thankful to be able to call North Central my home. I am also thankful for the opportunities to minister into others lives, just as they are ministering into mine. I am surrounded by love and friends. I am also thankful that I will be headed home tomorrow. I will see my sister, and my mom. I will receive hugs and loving from the moment I walk into the door, until right before they leave the campus. Those are my thoughts for now.

Toodles!

Focus

I can't focus for the life of me. I know I should be doing things, getting things accomplished, being productive. I know that if I were to make a list, I would be able to recognize that I worked today. I got up, I did my job that I was hired to do. I had an interview for another job babysitting, and I did some homework. Why then, do I feel completely unproductive? Why do I feel as though I have wasted an entire day? I guess because in life, there is always something that needs doing. I have learned that much. In college, they give you a list of expectations. Only, this list covers the next 15 weeks. I have my list of expectations, but I have yet to find the balance between letting some things wait and then doing it all the night before because I let it wait too long. Then when I come to moments like this, I am so tired. I could probably go to sleep right now. I would probably sleep the night away. Then I realize that I at least have to get tomorrows expectations taken care of. I have 3 more days until I go home. The days are crawling by. Why do they always do that? Lately it has seemed as though I can't keep up. Now when I am ready for them to pass quickly, they are going at a snails pace instead. I can't sort through everything in my brain. I can't even figure out what I should be doing. I am not processing anything as it happens, I just tend to try to keep up, and later I will figure everything out. Kind of a "nod, smile, and pretend like you have a clue." Which, to be honest is really hard. I am definitely learning the value of lists. And schedules. I make one at the beginning of every week. It really helps to know what I am supposed to be doing at what time. We only have 3 more weeks in a few of my classes. I will be glad when they are finished. These are my 1 and 2 credit courses. But, not all of them. I have another 2 credit course that will go the entire semester, but it only meets twice a week. Make sense, right? I think it is about as clear a mud on my end. I think I am going to go make a plan for the week, and then go to bed.

Toodles!